Somebody's Not Getting Laid Tonight
by ICanStopAnytime
Summary: Eric and Tami struggle to regain regular intimacy after Gracie is born, and Eric finds an unlikely ally in his annoying sister-in-law.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** This story takes place during Season 2, with some expanded and "missing" scenes.

**[*]**

Tami felt awful for her husband. So far, the Panthers had scored 0 to their opponent's 37.

"Somebody's not getting laid tonight," Shelley said from next to her in the bleachers.

Shelley had come to watch Gracie Belle while Tami went back to work. As much as Tami appreciated her little sister's help, Shelley was starting to wear on her nerves.

"Oh, would you stop that?" Tami nodded to Gracie. "The baby! Good Lord!"

They sat back down on the bleachers, Gracie in Tami's arms.

"What?" Shelley asked. "Trouble in the bedroom?"

"Honey, I just said shut up."

"Look, this is why Eric's so grouchy all the time."

Eric _did_ get grouchy when he'd gone too long without sex. Grouchier than usual. And the morning after he got laid, he was always in a good mood, humming while he cooked up a hot breakfast, saying _I love you_ twice as often as he usually did, and not even cursing when he couldn't find his keys.

Tami tried to deflect her sister. "You must be real bored if the only thing you can talk about is our sex life."

"_Tell me_ you started up again."

"Well…." Tami admitted. "We did it the _once_." It had been a beautiful night, but she hadn't been in the mood since.

"You know what they say. Anything less than three times a week – "

" - Stop it!" Three times a week? Good Lord. Shelley didn't know anything about what it was like to have a two-decade-long marriage, two children, a full-time job, a mortgage. "I'm tired, Shelley. I'm tired."

Although… maybe Shelley had a _little_ bit of a point. It couldn't be easy on Eric. He'd suffered quite a drought this past year, between the long-distance job and the baby, and he _was_ crankier than usual. He was as loyal a man as she could hope to find, and, as her Aunt Rita used to say, he was certainly "easy on the eyes."

Tami began to feel that guilt creep in, that guilt she'd sworn would _not_ lead her into duty sex…she forgot it, though, when Shelley pointed out Julie flirting with her young English teacher and told Tami that Julie had called him "cute" and "cultured."

Tami did not like that young man's chumminess with her daughter. She did not like it at all. It was entirely inappropriate. She should tell Eric.

_No_, she shouldn't tell Eric. Eric was grouchy. Eric was looking for an outlet, and a fight might do.

She should probably just screw her husband hard tonight and handle Mr. Cute and Cultured herself.

Yes, that's what she'd do.

Tami yawned.

**[*]**

Eric usually got after game sex – either a victory lay, or a pity lay – but either way, he got laid. Friday night, though, Tami fell asleep the second her head hid the pillow.

He sighed. He'd given up trying to woo her into sex. The candles and music hadn't worked. The tulips and book club outing hadn't work. The wake-ups and kitchen cleaning and schedule making hadn't worked. One night, after a game, she'd just up and offered, not because of anything he'd done, he didn't think, but because she herself felt like it. Unfortunately, she hadn't _felt_ like it since. He'd been living on the memory of that one fantastic night.

Eric continued to help out around the house when asked, of course, but he wasn't pushing for sex anymore, not really, not often. At this point, he was just hoping and waiting for her to come to him, and stuffing down his disappointment every night she didn't.

**[Saturday]**

Shelley stood dancing in the kitchen with Gracie Belle in her arms. Tami yawned at the kitchen bar and glanced through the morning paper as she sipped her coffee.

"I hope you got a shower already this morning," Tami told her little sister. "Because Eric has been in there forever. He's going to use up all the hot water."

Shelley threw back her head and laughed.

"What's so funny?" Tami asked.

"Well you know _why_ he's taking an epic shower, right?"

"What are you talking about?" Tami testily flipped a page of the newspaper.

"Well he's got to get it _somewhere_."

"O, Lord, Shelley, Eric is not a teenage boy."

"He's a man who's not getting laid is what he is. A grouchy grump of a man."

"Shelly, I told you to stop about that already!"

"I wonder what he thinks about."

"Shelley! I said _shut up_."

"He's _so_ boring and conventional. He probably just thinks about you."

"You know what?" Tami said, her voice high, slamming her newspaper closed, "He probably does just think about me. Because I'm fantastic. I'm _all_ the woman he can handle."

Footsteps came down the hall.

When Eric drew up behind Tami at the kitchen bar, he was dressed in jeans and a button-down flannel shirt, his hair wet and matted against his head.

Shelley laughed.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"Nothing," Shelley said. "Good morning. You enjoy your shower? Leave your wife any _hot water_?"

Tami glared at her.

Eric grimaced. He kissed Tami. "I got that breakfast meeting with Buddy and them guys."

"I know."

He walked around the kitchen bar, grabbed a to-go mug, and filled it with coffee.

"If you're going out to breakfast, why don't you just get coffee there?" Shelley asked.

"Because I've got to _get_ there first." He leaned down and kissed the baby's head where she lay in Shelley's arms. "Love you, Gracie Belle."

Then he went around the bar and kissed Tami again on his way out. "Love you, too, babe. You get some rest this morning. Don't work all morning on those damn files."

After he retreated, they heard, "Damn it all! Where are my damn truck keys?" and then rustling, and then the front door opening and closing.

"He's sweet to you, you know," Shelley said. "For such an utter grouch, he sure is sweet to you sometimes."


	2. Chapter 2

That damn girls' soccer coach (or was it softball?) had come to see Eric yet again this morning, talking about how his wife and Glen were always yucking it up in Tami's office.

He thought maybe he _should_ go by his wife's office. He needed to ask Tami something anyway, didn't he?

The door was closed when he got there. When he opened it, Glen was touching his wife and wiping something off her back. "Why's the door shut?"

Tami explained that Glen had brought her burger and fries and she didn't want anyone seeing her chowing down. Then she told him she thought he should bring Tim Riggins back on the team.

Glen interjected himself: "Maybe we wouldn't have lost on Friday."

"Mhmmmm…" Tami murmured.

His wife was agreeing with _Glen_ over him? Really now? "Hey, you know what Glen? Can I ask you a question? Can I talk to my wife alone for a few minutes?"

Glen finally extracted himself from the office.

"What?" Tami asked.

"Let me tell you something about Tim Riggins." And he told her something. A couple three somethings. "You just don't get on and off the team like it's a bus," he concluded. "Or like it's a flaky kind of real estate class."

"Are you making fun of my sister now?"

Oh, she was going to defend her sister now, was she? She jumps to Glen's defense, jumps to Shelley's defense – happy to jump to everyone's defense, except _his_ apparently. "Yeah, well, I guess I sort of am. And – "

"Honey, I need a night out."

"What?"

"I need a night out."

He needed a night out too. Desperately. A night out alone with his wife. A chance to connect over a bottle of wine, and then maybe _connect_ some more. Smiling, he approached her, talking about Don Antonio's….a couple bottles of wine…maybe getting a room….

She weaved herself away from him, like a player avoiding a tackle. "I was thinking more like Bunco." She wouldn't even accept his kiss. "Honey, I smell like onions."

Was she serious? "Bunco?" he asked.

"With people, with people."

Her and people. Why did she always want to be with people? Unless it was a football game, or a pep rally, or some necessary social where boosters might be persuaded to open their wallets, he didn't really see the point of hanging out around people. Who needed people when he had a family at home? Who needed people when he had _her_?

"I just need some people," she said, "some grown-ups to talk to, you know what I mean?"

What was _he_? A child?

She needed people. People.

He needed _her_, and she needed…people.

There was a knock at the door, and Tami started scurrying to hide her food.

Well, clearly he wasn't needed here anymore. Eric turned and left.

**[*]**

Tami took care of the Mr. Cute and Cultured situation, in a much calmer way than Eric would have, she thought.

Although… she hadn't thought about the fact that the door to the classroom was open while she was chewing out the Boy Wonder, or that students in the hall might be listening.

**[*]**

Eric didn't begrudge Tami a night out, but he'd wanted a night out _with_ her. Or a night _in_. Just time. Time with her. And maybe a little something more.

And why the hell did he have to watch the baby while she went out? What was the point of Shelley being here if he had to babysit?

"Well, it's not babysitting when it's your own child, Eric," Tami told him.

She looked gorgeous. She'd put on a very flattering dress, and she was getting all dolled up in the bathroom. Not for _him_, though. Oh, no. For _people_. "What are you putting on perfume for if you're going to Bunco night?"

"Well, because I'm trying to mask the smell of spit up."

She was out of there like a flash, as if she couldn't wait to be rid of him to go to the much more exciting world of people.

Gracie was crying when she shut the door. He got the bottle ready and got her and settled in his recliner, feet up. She sucked hungrily at the bottle. "You don't need people, do you?" he asked. "You just need your daddy. You looooove your daddy, don't you? He's enough for you."

Gracie ripped herself off of the bottle's nipple and wailed.

**[*]**

Tami crept in quietly when she came home. She didn't want to wake Eric, because if she woke him up, he'd want sex.

_Damn._ He was still awake and sitting up. "Heeeey," she said.

"Hey," he grumbled.

"How'd it go?"

He muttered about crying and projectile poop and she didn't know what else. Shelley was right. He was super grouchy lately.

"I'm sorry, babe." She sat down and started taking off her shoes. She hated to admit her sister was right about something, but Eric obviously needed a good lay. Spontaneously, she decided she was going to give it to him. She kissed him.

"Did you have a good time?" he asked, still grouchy, despite the kiss.

Well, she'd just have to _ungrouch_ him then, wouldn't she?

"I did, and I'll tell you what, Glen won a hundred dollars, and we went out and got a beer. I'm gonna have to pump." But _after_ she pumped, she and Eric could have a good time. She was giggling now, just thinking about it. And maybe she was also giggling because of the beer.

"You and Glen had a good time?"

"It was fun."

"Did you and Glen have a great time?"

She laughed. He'd said that like he was jealous. "It was fun." It was kind of cute, his jealousy. "Honey," she said with a teasing smile, "you a bit jealous of Glen?"

**[*]**

Why did Tami do that? Why did she use that condescending tone of voice, as if he had no right at all to be upset? What if she'd suggested going out together, and he'd said he needed to play poker with the guys? And then after poker, he'd gone out and split a bottle of wine with some woman? She'd be pissed as hell, that's what. But if he was upset, well, then he was just being _silly_.

"Can I tell you something seriously?" he asked. He wasn't jealous. He was invisible. And being invisible made him sad, and being sad made him angry. "I don't like you and Glen yucking it up in the hallways, like a bunch of little kids."

She rolled her eyes. "Honey – "

No, he _couldn't_ tell her something seriously, because apparently she wasn't capable of taking him seriously. He was just the silly husband, an inconvenience to be affectionately endured, the co-parent who was always pawing her for sex she didn't want.

She laughed. "_Yukcing_ it up?"

He didn't have the words to express how invisible he felt. So he just said, "It's goofy."

"Goofy?"

"And people are going to start talking. I don't like you all running around behind closed doors, like I walk in there the other day, and he's just lying there eating his sandwich and stuff. I have to ask him before he even sits up and leaves the room."

Why didn't she want to share lunch with him instead? Why didn't she want to laugh with him instead? What was she afraid of? That he might want to have sex with her later? Well he would. He did. He wanted her every day. Was that so awful?

"That's ridiculous," she told him.

That's what he was to her lately, wasn't he? The ridiculous husband, hardly worth her time. "No it's not ridiculous."

"Yes it is."

"No, it's not. You know what it is? It's disrespectful. To me. It's disrespectful to this family. That's what I'm thinking."

"What about God? Is it disrespectful to God?"

Couldn't she take him seriously for even one second? Even one? "That's not funny."

"Well it _is_ funny."

"No it's not. You know what it is? It undermines us. You think about that. Just _think_ about it."

_For one minute, Tami, just think about our marriage. For one minute think about how much I need you._

"It _undermines_ us?" That condescending tone again.

"Yes. It undermines us."

"It does not. That is ridiculous."

"One last thing and we can leave it alone." Because clearly nothing he said mattered to her anyway. "You need to pay more attention to your family."

_To me. _

_Please._

**[*]**

What the hell did he just say? Did those words really come out of his mouth?

Eric thought _she_ needed to pay more attention to her family? Seriously?

After pushing _his_ baby out between _her_ legs…after getting up three times a night with Gracie Belle while he was off in Austin, drinking beer and watching football and probably going out with the guys any night he wanted to …after she'd had to deal with Julie's lip all by herself…after she'd had to become like some kind of cow that was available at Gracie's every whimper and cry…after her own body ceased to be her own…he was going to say she wasn't paying enough attention to her family? When she was breast feeding, even while working full-time and trying to clean up the mess Glen had left behind, and still helping Eric with the boosters when he needed it…he was going to say she needed to pay more attention to her family? After being exhausted, and worn out, and stuck at home with a newborn for weeks, when she finally started working again, he was going to begrudge her a little adult conversation? A night out? Seriously?

The nerve.

And worse, when he knew, _had_ to know, how out of control she'd felt – how like a horrible mother she'd felt lately - to go and tell her _that_. To imply she wasn't a good mother. "How dare you."

"No. Don't do that."

"You know what? You can go sleep on the couch. So I can a good night sleep. So I can pay a lot of attention to my family tomorrow. Go on."

"Nah-ah."

She walked off to the bathroom. She lost her footing and half-stumbled for a second. It might have been the beer. It might have been the anger. It might have been the hurt, but she didn't feel like she was on solid ground anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

When she woke up the next morning, Tami expected an apology from Eric, but he'd already left for work. He hadn't even left her a note, not even two words, a simple "I'm sorry."

And then she'd happened upon Shelley comforting _her_ daughter.

Tami sat at the kitchen bar with her coffee. Julie didn't even respond to her when she said, "See you later, hon."

Shelley told her that Julie was really upset, and Tami got defensive: "I don't think I need a mediator to help me with my daughter."

Then Shelley started talking about Tami reaming Mr. Cute and Cultured a new one in front of the whole school.

The _whole_ school? Such exaggeration. Tami had been in a classroom when she'd confronted that English teacher. No one else was in the classroom. Shelley had no idea what had really happened. Shelley had no idea what it was like to be a mother, how hard it was.

After the sisters had argued a bit more, slinging insults like old familiar rivals, Shelley went around the bar to the kitchen to get a coffee mug. She stood across the bar from Tami and asked, "Seriously, Tami, if Mom had done that, how would you have felt?"

Tami had embarrassed her daughter in a way she would have hated to be embarrassed by her own mother. "Mortified," she admitted.

"Exactly," Shelley said.

Tami rubbed her temple. She was trying so hard not to cry, but she did cry. Those tears must have inspired Shelley to let go of her anger, because after she got her coffee, she sat next to Tami and put an arm around her shoulders.

"I'm a horrible mother!" Tami cried.

"No, honey, you're not. You're not."

"You don't know. You don't know. I'm turning into Mom!"

Shelley removed her arm and held her coffee cup between her hands. "Well, Mom was under a lot of pressure. She did the best she could."

Tami wiped the tears under her eyes. "She told us we'd go to hell if we even lusted after a guy."

"She told _you_ that." Shelley sipped her coffee. "She was different when I was in high school. She was different when she started dating again. And you know what? Even before that, she was fine with you dating Eric."

"Only because she really liked Eric."

"Speaking of which…Why was he on the couch last night? I came out for a glass of water, and he had four empty beer bottles on the coffee table, and he was still in his clothes, and he was just lying on his back with nothing but a pillow, snoring. I draped a blanket over him."

Tami tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "How sweet of you, Shell."

"Seriously now. Are you two okay?"

"Oh, Shelley, he was just so petty and ridiculous last night." She told her little sister the whole story, beginning with Eric walking in on her and Glen in the office and ending with their conversation last night. She omitted the part where he'd said, "You need to pay more attention to your family." After the discussion about Julie, she was still feeling like a bad mother, but she emphasized how silly jealous Eric had been about Glen.

She expected her sister to sympathize with her. After all, Shelley loved to pick on Eric. Instead, Tami's little sister sipped her coffee silently.

"Wasn't that ridiculous?" Tami asked.

Shelley shrugged. "I don't think he's jealous of _Glen_. I mean, I haven't met this Glen guy, but he sounds kind of dweebish. And Eric's… well…masculine. I can't imagine he sees Glen as any kind of competition."

"Well he sure acted like he was jealous," Tami said.

"Honey, you've had sex with him _once_ in the past two and a half months."

"I'm tired!"

"Not tired enough not to go out and play Bunco and have some beers with Glen. And…Tami…you said Eric suggested taking you out to a romantic dinner."

"He just wanted to liquor me up. He just wanted to get a hotel after so he could get laid."

"Of course he did! But he was going to put the _effort_ into it. He was going to take you out to a nice place and buy you some nice wine and romance you for a couple of hours first. Do you know how lucky you are that he still bothers to make an effort? I've had boyfriends who stopped bothering after two months. And you're talking about two _decades_, Tami."

Tami looked into her coffee cup. "I can't believe _you're_ defending Eric."

"You told him you'd rather play Bunco than spend a romantic evening with him."

"That's not what I said!"

"Maybe you're right, Tami. Maybe it's not what you _said_. But you're a fool if you don't understand that it's what he _heard_." Shelley shook her head. "You're a _counselor_ who doesn't even give your husband a right to his own feelings."

"Excuse me?"

"You've always diminished me, Tami."

"_Diminished_ you?"

"You and Eric both. Because I didn't go to some four-year college like y'all. Because I've chosen jobs that are fun for _me. _Because I haven't gotten married. Because I haven't had kids. Because I've had a lot of boyfriends over the years. But I'm _not_ stupid, Tami. You don't have to be a wife or a mother to be able to understand people." Shelley slid from her stool and went and put her coffee cup in the sink. "Eric's a good-looking man," she said. "Some woman's going to pay attention to him one day. And if you're not…"

Tami was staring intently into her coffee cup when Shelley walked by her. "Just think about it, Tami."

**[*]**

Tami did think about it. All day long.

When she got home from work, she asked Shelley to clear out the house for her so she could be alone with Eric, so they could have a serious conversation, so she could listen to him and hear him, and so they could tear down this awful wall that had somehow grown up between them.

**[*]**

When Eric came home from work, Tami was sitting alone on the couch. She was staring into space and clicking a pen open and shut. She didn't look happy. He wished he hadn't said what he'd said last night. He wished he'd said something more like what he actually meant. "Hey," he said softly, wondering how mad she still was.

"Hey."

It was then he noticed how quiet the house was. Did this mean they were going to have a talk? And did that mean he was in serious trouble? "Where is everyone?"

"Shelley took Julie and baby Gracie to the mall to buy her some new baby clothes, which is very sweet."

He opened a beer. She turned toward him. "Hon…"

O God. How much trouble was he in?

"I can't not have a friend at school that I…you know…spend time with twenty minutes a day."

He walked toward her. He steadied his nerves by repositioning a chair in the breakfast nook. How did he say this? How did he explain how he felt? And would she even hear him if he did?

He sat down and sighed. "It's not about Glen. I don't give a damn about Glen. I'm supposed to be the one you're yucking it up with in the hallways. I'm supposed to be the one that you're laughing with."

He looked her in the eyes. _Just say what you mean_, he thought. _Just say what you really mean._ It wasn't easy to say it. It was like calling off your defense. What if she laughed at him? What if she said something like, _you can't miss me, I'm right here_. He said it anyway. "I miss you."

She didn't laugh. She nodded. She laid her head on his shoulder and said, "I miss you too."

Why had that been so hard to say? He wasn't a teenager anymore, making his first move. They weren't lying and talking on the floor of Buddy Garrity's old salesroom, looking into each other's eyes and exchanging hesitant _**I like you's **_for the first time.

He kissed her forehead and held her close. "I like you," he told her.

She laughed, as though maybe she remembered too. "You do?"

"Yeah. I like you. You're a'ight."

"I like you too."

She pulled away so she could kiss him. When their lips parted, she said, "I want you to take me to bed."

He smiled, hesitantly. "Because…you're tired?"

She shook her head. "No. I want you to _take_ me to bed."

"Good. Because I would _like_ to take you to bed."

"You'd like that would you?" she teased.

"I think it could be enjoyable. It could be fun."

She laughed. "Shut up and take me to bed."

He locked the bedroom door, even though no one was at home. He took his time with her. "I missed you," she murmured in his ear when he was moving inside her. "I love you, Eric. I want you. I need you."

They both trembled for a while afterward in each other's arms. She kissed his chest. "There are going to be some changes around here," she said.

"Such as?" he asked.

"Such as more frequent sex for one. I don't know why I let myself forget that just because I'm not in the mood when you ask, it doesn't mean I won't be in the mood once we get started."

He kissed the top of her head. "Well, I'm more than happy to make that change, babe, because I know how important it is to ENFP's that their partners be open to change and new experiences."

"You _remember_ that? Lord, we took that personality test so many years ago, Eric. That was before we were married." She raised her head to look at him. "I was so in love with you back then. I was so afraid you wouldn't go through with the marriage after you got injured."

"Really?"

"I just wanted to get married something awful. Lock you up tight."

He laughed and stroked her hair.

"You know what?" she asked.

"What?"

She kissed him tenderly. "I'm still in love with you."

**THE END**


End file.
